My Heart Goes On

Looking back, the organizing of Jon's 1st Year Cross-Over went smoothly with only one hiccup, minor one indeed, which was with the marquee people. Otherwise I didn't once feel that I was alone in getting all the food, marquee, birds, flowers, programme and memorial gift ready. I felt like I was somewhat shielded from all possible and potential negative, and working with a divine force.

Although I must mentioned that whilst getting my thoughts in words ready for my sharing, I found my thoughts being constantly interrupted with endless phone calls and sms-es from guests either to apologize for not being able to make it or to confirm the time of event. And was endlessly called to seek an opinion of how things are to be done by the hammering and banging of suppliers downstairs. I managed to find myself remaining calm. Uncanny, given how short fuse I could be under normal circumstances.

I was like transported back in time on the day of one year ago. Calm. My son, Zane made this observation then. Perhaps I was, and I know that I was indeed aided by, and being with, someone who was there with me. A pair of steady hands. One with the divine touch. To make sure mum is okay.

In the end there were like guests just over 100, and does it matter how many? Not really coz those were there, were there, and those not, are just not meant to be.

It's been a week now after the event, I find myself in a 'better' place. Less intense. Less attached. In my bereavement. I do not apologize for this. In fact, it is a sort of freedom. Perhaps, I do not want to be babysit by Jon anymore. In not wanting to be, I set him free, and I set myself free as well.

Do I still cry? Yes I do. Some experiences in life can be lost in oblivion. Some stay. For a long time. Like touchstone. You choose not to forget.

Whatever and however I feel right now about Jon, less intense, it seems okay.

I will continue to love my son till the end of my time, and whenever I feel that my love could be in any way 'holding him back', I will do whatever to 'undo' it. Unconditional love. No claims. No expectations. Need not even a physical presence.

I love you son.