A new journey after the journey

Today is the first day, the first step, to making ‘MUMs’ real. I am excited because it will be something new, it will be something I have not done and not knowing excites me – new possibilities, new opportunities, new life, new. Excited also because I do not know where this journey will take me.

‘MUMs. Mums-uniting-mums. A support group for mums in bereavement”.

Why ‘MUMs’?

Following the immediate months after Jon ‘crossed over’, I have been pondering and wondering if there is a purpose for me in the whole experience with Jon. i was surrounded by well meaning people who did their best to comfort me in whatever ways possible. Some of the simple yet hard to respond questions like ‘How are you?’ leaves me speechless. “I am well”. Was all I could attempt. Often this was not good enough and some probed further and I would say, “I am as well as I can be”. Usually it will evoke a response like “But you must! You got two more children”. Or “Don’t cry. Be strong!”. Or “Let go! Move on!” and so on and so forth. Some say them quietly, some emphatically, as if to get the point across. Whatever the case may be, I realized that people just want to say something. It makes them feel good about themselves without realizing that these simple friendly kind words could leave me infuriated. I just smile or keep quiet as a sign of response. Because my husband often remind me that people meant well.

One day, I gathered enough courage and asked one of my friends, who after giving me those words, whether she had any idea of the pain I was going through. Whether she knew what those words mean. You might think I am not being fair but I was coming from, “Say only what you mean, not for the sake of saying them”. After a long pause, she said she didn’t as she just wanted to say something. After this, she almost avoided returning me. My calls, emails or sms-es.

The most precious words that were spoken and found comforting were, “May you find peace and comfort in all this”. Or “Jon is free now.”. Or “God bless”. When you choose to be with someone like me, just be prepared to be patient. Listen. There is no need to anything. Your presence, your company is priceless.

I wanted so much to reach out to mums who are going through or have gone through this kind of grief. Within months, I met two mums. Our kind of friendship is something that cannot be duplicated with any other groups. We just simply embrace each other, our pain, our sharing, our crying, our laughter. We were so willing to be with each other. I had a most remarkable experience.

I wrote a letter to my son when he crossed over. I thanked him for many things and one of which was to thank him for giving me the gift of the year I had been caring and tending to him. I confessed that I do not know how to fully appreciate this gift then but I think I may know now. The gift of giving love. Unconditionally.

The thought of starting a support group has since been in and out of my thoughts. I was not sure. I have no idea how to do this. I have no idea where it takes me. I have no idea how many will respond. I have no idea of to reach out to other mums like me. Perhaps Hospice, through their introduction. Through bookshops ….. my doubts went on and on like this….

You see, one of the most powerful ways for me to cope with my grief was to talk to Jon. I have conversations with him everyday. I asked him what he thought. He liked the idea and said something like “You do your work here with mums. I do my work with the children from up here. But mum, you must only do this for yourself, not for me”.

Jon has always come from doing for self, not for others. How wise.

So here I am in this blog dedicated writing, declaring my commitment to ‘MUMs’ reaching out to mums who are in bereavement. A space to offer comfort, to create Oneness and love. A space which is free of judgments and prejudices. “Mums Uniting Mums. MUMs”.

This page is yet to be designed properly. Logos are being created. Pages yet to be filled. More soon!

So mums, when you are ready, please accept my invitation to write.

I am not a doctor. Not a nurse. Not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I am just a mum who is in bereavement. What I can offer you is my time, my space to listen, to cry with you. To share.

Agnes