is this for real?

Am sitting by a row of huge windows with natural light pouring through, and am feeling completely at ease, like this place has been just waiting for me. And now that I am here, I am like so ready to make my first call to get the ball rolling for my new Executive Search set up. Everything seems so right. From the pork-free cafe downstairs, to the quiet surroundings, to ample free parking to paying token for rental, and having Tony, a fellow headhunter, as a colleague.

Never knew that I could come so far to do this, and the best part is that I am at peace. And this new venture paving way to a brand new journey. And am truly living.

Noridah, Aimee, Shobah, Vijaya, Ling and Flor, I want to thank each and everyone one of you special mums, for being there. Always. And you can be sure that you were a great part of my healing process.

Now, more than ever, I truly believe that time, can and will most definitely smoothen the edges of grief.

And I hope that this note finds you in a place of peace.

God bless, till we meet again after this puasa month.

3 years later...

On a beautiful August 9th Sunday morning, we released 16 diamond + 3 white doves to commemorate Jon's 3rd. Now that we are living in an area which is surrounded by greens, the birds just flew away, unlike previous years. However, in the last week, one of the whites has been making appearances around the garden and I felt that there was a difference. Unlike previous years where one or two white doves used to hang around for days, seemed lost against the city skyline, this one seemed unperturbed by me and even Eleanor, Jon's pet golden retriever. It seems like this little fella just want to chill and hang out in the lush surroundings.

Well, there are other differences as well.

Today for the first time in 3 years, I feel I've truly found peace and my heart just filled with happiness when the birds were released. It is not that I am no longer sad but somehow I've managed to hold this sadness within my space of happiness. And to me, this is a breakthrough and it makes me feel totally liberated. I thank God for this blessings and Jon's 3rd is truly a celebration for me.

This is my truth. That when one expires from the physical body, one just simply change form - from matter to spirit. From earthly realm to the spiritual. And we are on the same plane, just change of being, change of mindset. More than ever before, and this has not changed, is I feel my son's presence and know that he is always in our midst - guiding, nudging, prodding, caring and loving. And having conversations with me.

From this day on, I shall name August 9th day as Jon's Continuum Day.

I would like to thank Neale for giving us 'Home with God' and 'Happier than God' tools which has greatly helped in my journey, not forgetting the CWG collection.

Finally, I have also decided to discontinue with our website and keep this blog to keep the channels open to reach out to other mums. And Ling is in the midst of setting up FaceBook as well.

For all the mums like me, may you one day find peace in the knowing that our children have not left us but are in our midst, beside us. Always.

God bless.

a walk to remember

Jon saw this movie, I guess a hundred times, on Astro HBO. Since then he asked, bugged me to get the book and also DVD. This was in 2005. It was to be months before the book came but the DVD was elusive.

I used to ask him why so gungho about this? "It's a beautiful story, mum" Jon said.
"But the girl died of cancer. It's sad!" I said.
"Mum, yes she did but she died beautifully" Jon reasoned and continued, "It's also a beautiful love story."

My husband and me finally saw the movie (managed to get the DVD only 3 weeks ago). How my heart poured, and I think I understand now why Jon liked it. And like the good son that he has always been, and still is, he reminded me through the movie how much he loves me. A line which was repeatedly mentioned throughout the movie which I believe is Jon's message :

"Love is like the wind. You can't see it but you can feel it".

I huddled into my husband's arms after the movie and cried. He said, "I think Jon wants us to remember him with joy, not pain. And Jon certainly had his walk."

Welcome Ling!

I met Ling many many years ago when I was handling the advertising business of a MNC where she was employed as a graphic designer. Today she is married to my ex-boss, ex-colleague, my dear friend Jeff Orr, and mother to Sean 9, and Tim, 7.

Since MUMs was formed, we were trying to find a champion to lead the other division - MUMs for mothers currently caring for children with cancer. Ling, given the journey she had 4 years ago, has volunteered her service. She is certainly god-sent.

More on Ling, in her own words plus photos, to follow.

She was one of my faithful pillar of strength when I was on my own journey with Jon. She would be the one I would call for advice, especially on Jon's diet, as her journey began before mine. She represented Hope when I needed most. Apart from being a great friend, she is gifted with compassion. Her willingness and passion to help, especially those who are faced with life's challenges, is second to none. She is ever faithful, ever waiting on the wings to take flight whenever the call for help comes.

I, and MUMs, are especially blessed to welcome her on board!

My Heart Goes On

Looking back, the organizing of Jon's 1st Year Cross-Over went smoothly with only one hiccup, minor one indeed, which was with the marquee people. Otherwise I didn't once feel that I was alone in getting all the food, marquee, birds, flowers, programme and memorial gift ready. I felt like I was somewhat shielded from all possible and potential negative, and working with a divine force.

Although I must mentioned that whilst getting my thoughts in words ready for my sharing, I found my thoughts being constantly interrupted with endless phone calls and sms-es from guests either to apologize for not being able to make it or to confirm the time of event. And was endlessly called to seek an opinion of how things are to be done by the hammering and banging of suppliers downstairs. I managed to find myself remaining calm. Uncanny, given how short fuse I could be under normal circumstances.

I was like transported back in time on the day of one year ago. Calm. My son, Zane made this observation then. Perhaps I was, and I know that I was indeed aided by, and being with, someone who was there with me. A pair of steady hands. One with the divine touch. To make sure mum is okay.

In the end there were like guests just over 100, and does it matter how many? Not really coz those were there, were there, and those not, are just not meant to be.

It's been a week now after the event, I find myself in a 'better' place. Less intense. Less attached. In my bereavement. I do not apologize for this. In fact, it is a sort of freedom. Perhaps, I do not want to be babysit by Jon anymore. In not wanting to be, I set him free, and I set myself free as well.

Do I still cry? Yes I do. Some experiences in life can be lost in oblivion. Some stay. For a long time. Like touchstone. You choose not to forget.

Whatever and however I feel right now about Jon, less intense, it seems okay.

I will continue to love my son till the end of my time, and whenever I feel that my love could be in any way 'holding him back', I will do whatever to 'undo' it. Unconditional love. No claims. No expectations. Need not even a physical presence.

I love you son.

How long more would you grieve?

Classic question.

Its like asking "When you think you'd die?"

As long as it takes, my friend!

Haven't you heard before - it's not about the destination. It's the journey!

No, I can never answer that question and this is something one should never ask a mum who is in bereavement. Don't even say "It's been a year. Don't you think it is time to move on? To let go?".

There are some things in life that you cannot get over. This is one of them. Grieving for a loss of a child.

Grief, they say is one of the most traumatic experiences in life, and everyone would have to get to experience it one day. It is also the most difficult psychological symptom to treat. It binds you. The pain gets you to your guts. It reaches every nerve so you feel it! It takes you to places that you've never known existed to the point that even doing the most mundane, basic things seem difficult.

But I know that somedays, you'll find a place to leave it aside and carry on. Somedays it hit you and you find yourself weeping, crying non-stop. Lasting for 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week!

So leave me alone in my space of grief where time do not exist. If you love me, if you care for me.

Please do not ask how long?
Ask, "How has it been for you?"
And when I respond, be in the place of compassion, of giving.
This way I know you are on the journey with me..

My Guardian Angel

Going with the flow with MUMs means to me - share it with all the people that I know, ask them to route the blog to their own friends - to open up channels and whatever pathway it opens, just go on it.

It is very like the way a product would be promoted with a predefined target group. But before the brand is rolled out, we need to have plans - how to market it. I do not have such plans for MUMs even though I have ideas. With this in mind, I made my way to Cheras to meet Dr. Ednin, Chief Operating Officer of Hospis. I remember calling him 2 days ago about my support group, to update him on what I was doing, how I was moving on and in the hope that he could somehow helped promoting it through his patients. He mentioned that it would compliment something that they have just set up and that I may be of some help.

The drive to Hospis can be described as a trip that I both enjoy and not enjoy. Enjoy because I get to meet the people at Hospis as they've been a great relief during my journey, and not enjoy it because it is located at the fringes of the famous Cheras cemetry, where the remains of my dad is.

As usual, I said, 'Jon, you with me?".
"Ya mum" shot back the answer in that familiar voice. That was all I needed.

Apart from the birds singing, the place was quiet. I looked around the lobby area and realised that a meeting was in session in an enclosed room. I made my way to the toilet, and passing by a stairway, I saw tucked in corner the familiar blue tartan wheel chair. Without a doubt, I knew it Jon's which we donated after he 'left'. "Thank you Jon for being here with me".

Fifteen minutes later, I was led to a meeting room by Dr. Sylvia and she confirmed that indeed the chair was from us. Soon Dr. Ednin joined us and the sharing started. They were curious. They wanted to find out how and why I started MUMs. There were a lot of questions asked. They were concerned about me dwelling in the past.

"Wouldn't it be like opening up fresh wounds all over again?"
Wounds are already there no matter what you do. There is no such thing as opening or closing of wounds. They are just there. Not talking about it is in denial. Talking and sharing is healing for me.

And the classic, "How long do you think you'll grief?"
As long as it takes. I may not even get over it but I'll get through it.

There were more questions, and midway Prof. Yip of UMMSC joined us, who suggested I should write a book. And I said the plan is there and it even has a working title.

After about an hour or so of sharing from both sides, Hospis offered to adopt, to watch over MUMs to monitor our progress. They even requested permission to log on to my blog and to route it through their network of friends and associates.

MUMs is getting somewhere..

And to support us as individuals (Peter, my mums and me) moving on, we were offered seats at the International Conference on Survivorship and Supportive Care in Cancer, particularly the workshop 'Support in Bereavement'. This is scheduled to happen on 10th August, a day after Jon's 1st Year Cross-Over event.

"How about the session on 'Setting up Support Groups'". I asked. Yes, why not.

I was then invited to share on "Bereavement - Guiding Relatives in Mourning" during the "Establishing Psycho-Oncology in Malaysia" conference on the 8th of August - a day before Jon's!

Now there is no such thing as coincidence. I thnk the above 2 conferences happened in a way that has opened up a whole new path for me to take a trip on. It is like an invitation. A road of opportunities for me as well as for MUMs. So many possibilities.

I believe this is the first step to 'going with the flow'.

I prayed to God for his gifts and learnings for the day. I thanked him for taking care of Jon while I am 'away and till I come back'. Like I always do.